The Pier to the Lighthouse

There is a pier. A long floating wooden pathway that juts out from the shoreline, at the end of this is a lighthouse.

This lighthouse brings a warning to passing ships and brings peace and comfort to the weary sailor who has been lost at sea. 

Across the pier is a strong building built to withstand the storms.

I stare down this wooden path,  I see the guard rails that lend protection and safety to those who dare venture out onto the path. 

These rails also give stability to the adventurer as they walk through the wind, rain or storms. 

The rails also bring guidance to those who become engulfed in the fog that rolls of the ocean. 

I stand at the beginning safely standing on solid ground wondering if I dare venture out onto this daunting path that stretches for in front of me. 

The light catches my eye more than once. 

It calls to me, beckons me to come forth. 

A comforting light, bright and peaceful. 

There at the end of the pier was a glimpse of something special. 

I dreaded at the thought that I dare venture out toward the light on this unknown path, even though the storms were rolling in. 

IS IT SAFE?

WILL I MAKE IT?

AM I STRONG ENOUGH TO MAKE IT TO THE END?

IS IT FAR?

IS IT DANGEROUS?

This is life, we are here on earth to find our way back to the light.

Where we will be safe and warm.

Back into a place that we can be in a position to guide other into a safe harbor and out of the storms of life.

We have to go through the challenges/storms of life in order to be able to help others to safety.

The strong will always be blessed with trials in order to be a blessing to others.

I know that through these storms we can adjust our sails, hold tight to the guard rails, and be a lighthouse to help guide others who may be lost back to safety.

Butterfly Fly

Butterfly Fly

I sit and ponder and meditate about how my life has developed. 

I wonder how life would have been if things were different. 

If  I looked different.

My mind wanders through the past and into ideas of what if!

I think about when things started to go the way they did, My mind drifts in the wind to fifth grade, it is here that i can remember that being called a blimp.... fatty.... cow... I knew i was always bigger than the others that I attended school with.... but In my mind I was just like them and I did not care.

As the years went on the name calling became more and more prevalent in my world.

Food became a comfort to me.

Now I am an adult 

I am a grown woman in a world that still hates how I look

I try so hard to break this addiction I have to food, the one thing that has been there for me to give me comfort in times of sadness and sorrow. 

My mind becomes a cocoon and hides away from the world.
I want to transform myself like the Caterpillar waiting to become something more beautiful
I feel like a Caterpillar who has lost its way.
who has tried so hard to become a beautiful butterfly but has not accomplished anything
I try to build this cocoon to transform myself but keep failing
Everything seems to just fall apart.
the fibers that once held together begin to unravel in the winds of life.
Each harsh word thrown at me is like a gust of wind blowing away pieces of my heard like the fibers of the cocoon I was attempting to build to change myself.
My heart tells me to give up because it cant take anymore, I keep fighting and keep building. someday maybe I will accomplish the goals I have set out to build for myself.
Just keep building and getting back up when the gusts of wind knock you down.
Keeping working towards the goals even if you get knocked of track get back up and keep on going!

AS THE POLAROIDS FADE

Flying, Superpowers, Conquering the world, Taming dragon, or just a simple dream like being happy, falling in love, having a family or making a career.

Dreams are important to have in life. a life filled with doubt and people who will tell you that you will never make it. Dreams are what give us hope in life, something to strive for. What happens when these dreams fade away and start giving way to nightmares. As I have went through this mortal existence I have always had big dreams for myself. From a young age my dream was to always be a singer. I wanted to write lyrics and make songs to inspire and give hope to a weary world. I wanted my voice and music to give hope to others. I wanted to use talents to make a better and brighter world. Another dream I have always had was to fall in love, have a family to travel with and share my life with. 

These dreams, however, have long since began to fade like Polaroid photos that have since been forgotten in an old photo album. This album used to be shared with everyone who wanted to look, but has since been looked at so many times by the same people and rarely anyone new comes along. 

My dreams used to make me happy. I had a hope of a bright and happy future, I had plans. Those plans have not seemed to work out. I am trying to trust in Gods timing. I am trying to hold onto the hope that he will bring me love and happiness. I am trying my hardest to follow his commandments. I have done what I can. I am starting to struggle. My life has become a life of undeveloped film. This film is filled with pictures that have never seen the light to become clear and full of life. Rolls of film of hopes and dreams scattered around the floor. Memories and moments never being exposed to the light, never coming into view. 

I am slowly giving up on the dreams I have in my heart. My hope is fading. The older I get I am finding that life has been getting more and more confusing, like film that has been double exposed blurring the images into something distinguishable. I am losing those things that were once my hope, my light, and my happiness. I have been finding it hard to hold onto the biggest thing that has brought me hope and happiness which is my testimony. I feel its slipping away slowly being pulled out of  my mind and heart. Like a old photograph being removed from an album and tossed into a dark drawer where it will be locked away out of view. 

I always thought that by now I would be married and have accomplished more than I have. I am fighting with every ounce of energy I have to stay in focus. 

THE RAIN OR THE RAINBOW

Laying here listening to the rain my mind and heart are racing, like they are trying to beat each other to a finish line that does not exist. 

Who wins in a race that makes my eyes look like what the rain sounds like?

who wins a race of memories that speed through like lightning, never knowing when or where they will strike? 

who is the victor when negative voices inside are louder than the thunder echoing through the sky?

A

s everything feels as though it will lose all traction and spin out of control, you find yourself fighting to keep control of the wheel of this out of control vehicle before it crashes.

TO BREATHE

TO LISTEN

TO CENTER

TO PULL THE CHUTE 

You hope and wait for the stop, for the calmness at the finish line....

One last burst of energy as this vehicle finally slows to a stop. 

        The storm that once had control and caused turbulence and recklessness has slowed to a sprinkle. The sun begins to appear just enough to warm the ground. Water glistens off the dark pavement that lays beneath you. This track that just moments ago you were not sure you would make it to the end of. Its no longer dark or scary, it glistens in the light with beauty and hope for a better race the next time. A rainbow appears to bring more beauty and hope after this dreary race. There at the end of the storm or trial is always something more beautiful waiting for us. a trophy to congratulate us for holding on and being strong. Storms and rain helps the flowers to bloom, rainbows to color the sky and after the trials over the lessons we learn bring us greater understanding of Gods love. These storms of life make us stronger and make us more able to help someone else who may be struggling through their own race. It is through these moments that we can appreciate the sunshine at the Finish Line!

** ALWAYS REMEMBER THERE IS ALWAYS SUNSHINE AFTER THE STORM. WE WILL ALWAYS BE ABLE TO FIND THE LIGHT AFTER OUR TRIALS WE JUST HAVE TO BE STRONG, ENDURE AND NOT GIVE UP. TO MANY PEOPLE ARE CHEERING FOR US TO WIN THIS RACE WE CALL LIFE**

HEY LETS CATCH UP!

2019! Already!

    I cant believe that 2018 has already come and gone. I know its been quite awhile since I have written a personal blog of my life so lets do some catch up on my life.

2013

My best friend and a cousin excused themselves from my life which was really hard on me and left me feeling worthless and hopeless. 

Later that year thru inspiration I was able to reconnect with an old best friend and we spent a lot of time together and went on so many fun adventures and made some great memories. Santa Cruz, The mountains, Snow trips, Windsor, Monterey, San Francisco, Los Angeles so I could audition for the voice, River trips, Bonfires, Karaoke nights, and The beach. the end of 2013 into the beginning of 2014 was great until There was a pothole in the road! maybe it was more like a sink hole that completely destroyed everything. We ended up in a huge fight that and stopped talking. We met up and said our goodbyes to one another as he gave me his army jacket. We went our separate ways. 

 

2014

NASHVILLE!!!!!

January 28, 2014, my sister and I headed East on the Southern Route To NASHVILLE, TN! we drove through Arizona, New Mexico and most of Texas where we stopped and visited our Aunt Jill. We departed Texas and headed to MARDI GRAS!!!! that was such a fun experience in New Orleans, the interesting people all dressed up, the parades, the music, the beads! A memory I will never forget. After Mardi Gras we headed to Nashville. We traveled thru Alabama, Mississippi and up to Tennessee. We arrived in Ft. Campbell, Tn. to my best friends; home. My sister and I had a night out on the town in Downtown Nashville before I dropped her off at the airport to catch her flight back to California. I stayed in Tn. to help out my friends and their kiddos! one of my best experiences and some of my most cherished memories were from January 2014- June 2014!

    While in Nashville I was able to help out my best friend while her husband was deployed. I got to go to Dollywood and Metropolis (Superman capital!). One of the most awesome was CMA fest omg I got to meet so many country music stars and attend so many concerts, autograph signings, tournaments, events and win prizes!  Nashville is amazing while I was there I was also able to audition for a new show called the rising star that only aired for one season.

    My mom flew out to Nashville and drove home with me back to California. We made an adventure out of it and saw the Grand canyon, lake Havasu, the London bridge, Las Vegas, and we made a final stop in Tahoe and met up with all my mom's sisters and cousins for a girls gathering. It was a fun adventure and bonding with my mom.

 

Let's flash forward to 2017... 

That year was like a black hole that sucked up the sun , the moon and my stars leaving me in a vast and eerily quiet darkness that still wants to follow me around 2 years later. 2017 started off like an amazing year, I started seeing this guy who seemed amazing, he said he loved me, we spent so much time together, laughing and making memories. Then MARCH came along and things blasted off into the darkness. I received a letter of demotion in the mail from my job telling me that the NEW supervisor did not think i knew how to do my job.... I want to state here that this is the job I had for 15 years without any complaints, no warnings and a lot of praise for how well I did my job. So new supervisor comes along and all of a sudden I no longer know how to do the work that I have been doing for the last 15 years??? I was devastated this was a job where i enjoyed the customers and my coworkers. I was lost and I had no idea what I was going to do, this began the hole of darkness that would soon engulf my entire universe and it was about to get bigger.... 
    June 2017... so in love with this man I have been seeing he gives me hope after such a devastating loss in my job. I was starting to accept what had happened and trying to feel better then He disappears... I mean he blocks me on all social media and my phone number without any explanation, no warning nothing... WE had just spent an evening with dinner and then watching movies and the next day poof... TO THIS DAY I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED... ... This took my life into a downward spiral i felt like my world was falling apart, I felt worthless and unwanted.... First by my job and now by the man I thought I had a future with.... but it was about to get worse...

    July 2017...MY CAR BREAKS DOWN!!! well hey I mean life is on a roll why not add something else to the darkness that has been slowly growing and surrounding me.... so I have no job and my cars motor blows up and has to be fixed... but hey its about to get EVEN WORSE...
    AUGUST 2017.... THE DARK WHOLE IS ABOUT TO REACH ITS FULL POTENTIAL AND DESTROY ANY LIGHT I HAVE BEEN HANGING ONTO..
     My Granny passed away in August of 2017... she was ill and we knew she was not getting better... we had been spending as much time as we could with her and making memories and making her smile... she started to drift away from us and as she was surrounded by her three children she took her last breath and departed from this world. This opened up a whole world of family drama and pain... Granny wanted people to celebrate her life, music, laughter and joy she always said she wanted people to dance and share the happy memories of the life she had and for everyone she loved to celebrate her life... but the memorial being planned was leaving people out that loved granny. It was turning into a somber event with speeches and hors D'oeuvre instead of a celebration with laughter and food and a tea party. Which you know what would have been fine if it was limiting who could attend. Family fighting is not what Granny wanted but there was no reasoning with them to change who could attend the memorial. so we decided to plan one that could include everyone for a later date which did not go over so well... but we all know granny wanted people to celebrate her life and remember all the fun and happy times we had with her. Here it is the end of August and I am no longer holding it together... I am lost, depressed and hopeless for the future... There is no light left in my world for the rest of this year....

     2018

I am starting to see some light glinting from the darkness that I have been surrounded by. A darkness so vast I feel as though I have been locked into a room with no windows and everything has been painted the darkest of blacks and I am trying to find a light switch that does is so small in comparison to this dark room and it has been placed just out of reach... but I started back to school.  and in August 2018 I found out I only had 6 more classes to be done with my BA in studio art so in august I pick up my last 6 classes and apply for graduation for spring of 2019. I got approved for Graduation pending my grades for the current semester and completion in the Senior Art show that takes place in April 2019. 

    One big spark of light that happened in 2018 was our family road trip. Mom, Dad, my sister, my niece and I head out of California on July 11, 2018 and began our road trip to Minnesota with Granny's ashes so we could lay her to rest in the family cemetery in Bear River Township Minnesota where Granny grew up. We traveled thru Nevada and into Idaho Falls where we stopped for the night.

 we went to the zoo and to the museum to see the Steampunk exhibit. next we traveled into the corner of Montana and down into 

Wyoming where we began our trip through Yellowstone! we got to see the geysers, Old Faithful, had a picnic and got to see some Elk! 

we continued on into South Dakota where stopped again to rest.

Next we drove on to Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse monuments.

After visiting these places we grabbed some food and rolled on down the highway and into MINNESOTA!

we drove through the night into the next morning to Hibbing Minnesota the place where granny lived and my dad grew up, Everyone was asleep and I was behind the wheel and the most beautiful thing a Bald Eagle flew alongside the van for a little while which made me feel at ease and for once I felt like maybe things will be OK. We got to rest for a little bit at our hotel before dressing up and heading to the cemetery with Granny's ashes to meet up with other family members. we were able to have a nice little gathering as we placed her in the ground, we also released pink balloons into the air in remembrance of granny.

After the burial we headed over to the lake cabin of Betty and had dinner with her and her husband. It was peaceful and nice to relax and have a good home cooked meal. after dinner we headed back to the hotel to swim and get some sleep. While in Minnesota we headed to Duluth and road the train and went to the aquarium and train museum. after a day of fun we headed back to the hotel to get some sleep before our long trek back to California!













 Upon leaving the state of Minnesota we made our way south into the state of Iowa (we missed a tornado storm by one day) and then into Illinois. we stopped for the night at our timeshare in Galena Illinois.

We continued on to our next destination St. Louis Missouri and ROUTE 66. We got to see the St. Louis arch and since we have memberships to Six Flags we decided to go to the Six Flags in St.
Louis.

 After leaving Six Flags we drive into Branson and stop at our timeshare for the night. We head out from Branson the next day and head into Oklahoma where we visited Brick-town and took a boat tour and then headed into Texas where we stopped to find a hotel (we missed a huge storm in Missouri by one day). We stop at many Route 66 attractions and monuments. like the center of route 66, 

a leaning water tower, Towns they used as inspiration for the movie cars, dinners and car museums. 










Our next stop was in Santa Rosa New Mexico where we got to go to this awesome place called The Blue Hole (It is a clear blue body of water with a constant 62 °F temperature and constant inflow of 3,000 US gallons per minute. While the surface is only 80 feet in diameter, it expands to a diameter of 130 feet) the water felt so good to be in although it was quite cold it made my migraine go away and my muscles felt so amazing. 





Next stop was in Arizona where we visited the Flintstones place which was very underwhelming. The next morning when we were going to leave and head home we got stuck at the hotel because of a huge lightning storm where we got to watch lightning hit the ground as we sat and ate breakfast in the lobby of the Hotel. 

We finally were able to get on the road and headed home to end out 12 day road trip through 13 states. 

END OF 2018

   I passed the last of my classes. I am working part time at the University Art Gallery. I am thinking about what I want to do after graduation. Things are okay I am still in partial darkness but slowly trying to pull myself back out into the sun and moon and stars to see and feel the light again is my hope.

WELCOME TO 2019 

STAY TUNED